Boyfriend or husband am i wrong wanting commitment?

[Kotah]

Ok, I know there are a lot of smart women out here and I'm ready to listen....
I've found the perfect woman, we are so alike in so many ways it's down right scary. She has 2 wonderful girls who I love as much as I do her.
I've been thru some crappy relationships and the one thing i've found is honest communication is a must. I've adopted a full disclosure policy with her, I don't want any surprizes popping up later and causing problems. So she knows everything about me, she knows how much i love her and her family and that I'm willing to commit totally to her....and she tells me the same thing .....except!... She just wants me to be a boyfriend, granted a long term full time boyfriend but just a boyfriend. I can spend as much time as i like, sleep over ect... as long as i have my own place seperate from her and I'm not to ever mention marriage because she says i'm backing her into a corner and she will run..............I don't know if this has any bearing but I'm 48 and she's 34.
Am I ever going to be a husband or just a safety line for her while she lives her seperate life.

[Helen]

Hi Kotah! It's really difficult situation in your relationship. I really think that you need to talk to her and find out the REAL reason of her decision. There are two ways: or you find out some problems that you can solve and be happy together, or it's finished. How long are you together? May be she just needs some time, her girls need time to love you as a father... It's really not easy for her to change her life, she needs to be sure about you. But to my mind you will find the way to be happy together! Just stay confident and believe in your love. Good Luck!

[Kotah]

Thanks Helen, I'm remaining hopeful but last night she was stressed and depressed about not having time with her girls because of the decisions she's making. I wrote her a letter and told her i understand the importance of family since i had such a horrible one. I told her i would respect any decision she made toward the happiness of her and her girls even if that ment reconciling with hubby. I told her how much I love her and her family and I wasn't going anywhere, just backing off a little for her to have time to think about all of it.
I hope that was the right thing to do...I haven't heard a word from her since. I love her so much that i would do anything to make her happy even leave her if that's what she wanted.

[Helen]

Hi Kotah! I think that she is frightened of your love... You want to have family, you are ready, but she is not. May be she feels that her freedom will be over, but you need to explain her that it's not !(I hope:)) Even in marriage she can have her own interests and her own life, the same as you. Marriage is not a jail, it's ability to be with the people you love and care. Don't press her, say that she is a free person. And you should be free too:) Live your life, if she is in your life - it 's like a gift:) If she is not - you still should stay strong and confident. If she feels that, she will come first:) Believe me. Good luck)

[Eve]

Hard situation. I agree with the others, she is probably scared. With having had children, she is probably petrified to get into a relationship like that again and be hurt or let her kids get hurt. Not sure what you can do about it aside from just letting her be. Good luck!

[Julie]

Hi Kotah,

That does sound tough. It's good that you've been honest and open with communication in your relationship. That's always the hardest. I agree with the others. It sounds like she probably does need some time before she makes a commitment again. Without knowing her history with her past relationships, it's difficult to say whether or not it's fear of getting married again or whether she just feels the timing isn't right and it's nothing personal against you. Whatever the case may be, however, she does need to be open and honest and at least let you know whether marriage is a possibility with you two at all. It would be unfair to you if you want marriage and it's not even in her mind and she doesn't tell you that. At least if she says it's possible, you can make the decision if you want to wait until she's ready. but you need to be able to move on with your life if you want marriage and she doesn't. Know what I mean? And don't let the age difference discourage you. If she says she loves you, then age doesn't matter.